I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You've changed since you got that strap on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize