i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
