if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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