News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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