I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
