I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
