Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
