ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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