How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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