He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
