I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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