the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
