I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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