if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize