I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
