Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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