Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
