Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize