yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
