he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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