so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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