meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
