You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
