There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
