So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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