if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
