she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
