I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
