True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
