Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
