Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
