you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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