final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
