Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
