i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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