Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
where are you?
Hypothermia
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize