She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
