When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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