I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
