Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
