when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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