Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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