saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
