Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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