I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
