Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
