i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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