I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
