He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just want to make out with him forever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
