Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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