i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
