If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
