Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
