Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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