I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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