I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
