nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
