you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
