I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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