I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
