Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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