1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
