Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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