Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize