Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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