New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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