it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
