I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
