He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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