The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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