DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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